‘Bandersnatch’ Creators To Partner With Pornhub In Next Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Film

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Image Attribution: RealityJunkies.com

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY – Riding the success of their popular Netflix film, the creators of “Bandersnatch” have signed a deal with Pornhub to create a second interactive movie.

The immersive experience reportedly begins by flawlessly replicating a viewers average 13-18 minute search for a video that is “eh, good enough.”

Viewers then have the choice of arriving as a “plumber to lay some pipe” or a “pizza boy to a sorority that can’t pay for their order.”

The endless array of options include seducing a burglar, asking your teacher for extra credit, and opting out of a comfortable bed for a black, leather couch, along with an assortment of unforgettable dialogue choices.

With industry heavyweight Asa Akira as the main protagonist, the film is also being celebrated for casting a strong, diverse female lead.

Adult film critics have already said the 250 possible money shots guarantee viewers a one-of-a-kind, personalized experience every time they watch.

“Poundhersnatch” is set to release early next summer.

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Jeff Bezos Launches Competition To Build New Marriage In Major American City

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SEATTLE, WA – Following a divorce with his wife of 25 years, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos will launch an exhaustive search for eligible new wife candidates from all over North America.

Bezos plans to invest more than $66 billion in “a real connection” with his new partner, which he says will be “way hotter than that bitch MacKenzie.”

To find the perfect match, Bezos is inviting women from all over the country to submit a proposal based document listed on Amazon’s website.

In the document, Bezos is asking for 5 headshots, a cat or dog preference, and a short blurb about what they like to do for fun.

To begin a lifetime of happiness as soon as possible, Bezos wants a timetable of “Phase 1”, outlining when the first “spark” in the relationship is expected.

Bezos clearly stated that consent to a prenuptial agreement would be the greatest determining factor.

An inside source reports that Bezos currently has his eyes set on two candidates from New York and Northern Virginia.

‘Tasty’ To Expand To Homemade, Instructional Surgery Videos By 2020

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NEW YORK – In a lateral move to an up-and-coming industry, the food recipe video giant ‘Tasty’ recently announced plans to create homemade, instructional surgery videos.

“We want to bring you the quickest surgery videos possible,” said Tasty C.E.O. Liane Weintraub. “Whether it be a routine cast removal or a triple bypass heart surgery, our goal is to bring the average Joe simple, homemade surgery tutorials in 60 seconds or less.”

Instead of presenting the steps to bake a mouthwatering soy braised brisket, Weintraub aims to use the same trademark, overhead shooting style to educate viewers in locating a vein to administer some homebrewed anesthesia.

“Our food recipe videos were a hit because they gave an inexpensive alternative to eating out. We believe Tasty Surgery will go viral for the same reason. Why waste thousands of dollars at a hospital when you can just as easily perform that colonoscopy on the comfort of your own dinner table?”

Tasty reportedly has plans to expand to gun assembly and forensic analysis videos by 2021.

San Francisco Parents Fear Son Will Be Discriminated Against For Being Mainstream

adults-affection-baby-1648396SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Emphasizing concern for their son, San Francisco parents Debbie and Mark Miller fear their child might face discrimination for his ordinary, run-of-the-mill qualities.

“As new parents in such a hip area, we can’t help but be scared for our son who still uses Facebook,” Debbie said, adding that he also listens to FM radio.

“Any San Franciscan wearing a naturally aged Buffalo Exchange jean jacket looking at Tyler differently based on the Billabong T-shirt he wears is what we fear the most. We worry he’ll be ostracized for not owning Doc Martins.”

The Millers also stated that despite offering to take him to a hole-in-the-wall barber shop on Geary for an edgy, bleached faux hawk, Tyler preferred a standard trim at Sports Clips.

“Most of the kids around here are into discussing feminist film theory at vegan coffee shops and going to Yoga to the People,” Debbie said, holding back tears. “But our Tyler would much rather watch The Office or play Call of Duty.”

Mark believes his lack of eccentricities stems from his inability to read between the lines, which has translated to not being “woke” in the slightest.

“All of this leads us to believe that Tyler might be straight. Of course, we love him unconditionally, but as his parents we’re concerned with how not being pansexual might impact his life in the city.”

Hungover Woman Regrets Embarrassing Resolutions She Made Last Night

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San Diego, CA – Staring at the ceiling as she laid in bed recalling her drunken actions from the previous night, local woman Sarah Burke reportedly scolded herself for the embarrassing new years resolutions she made.

“Jesus Christ, I wish someone would’ve cut me off before I agreed to join that new crossfit gym with fucking Cassidy. I feel like such an idiot,” Burke said.

Adding that the night was a blur of declarations to read more, focus on self-care, and make new friends, Burke said she felt nauseous when she recalled wanting to make a Kickstarter for her vintage lampshade crafting business.

“I can’t believe I told Lauren I was down to start a craft beer blog. I think I’m gonna’ be sick,” Burke said as she crawled out of bed towards the bathroom.

Burke also stated she felt a shiver travel down her spine when she remembered getting convinced to adopt a vegan lifestyle after talking with Tanner from work about Cowspiracy.

“That’s it. I’m never drinking again. Not if it means promising myself to be more environmentally conscious by carrying around a reusable mug and aluminum straw everywhere I go.”

As she reassured herself that everyone was drunk and nobody would remember, Burke reportedly got a text from Maddie stating how excited she was to start their pottery class next Thursday.

Frat Scientists Conclude That Shotgunning Your Beer Is The Most Effective Way To Prevent ‘Littlebitchitis’

website image.pngTuscaloosa, AL – Claiming that the population needs to stop being such pussies and grow a pair, frat scientists at the University of Alabama concluded that shotgunning your beer is the most effective way to prevent the disease ‘Littlebitchitis.’

“After months of extensive research, we’ve discovered that gunning a can of Natural Light is a fantastic source of vitamin don’t be a little bitch, which is essential in preventing a major beatdown by Gator and Spoon,” said Phi Delta Theta Recruitment Officer and chemistry undergraduate Brett Ryan.

“Furthermore, taking one to the dome not only treats symptoms involved with being a total pansy, but also critically reduces instances where you lightweights wake up with a veiny dick sharpied on your forehead.”

In a case-control study of GDI’s who prefer to “enjoy their drink” were forced to “do it for the boys”, the report concluded that 100% of “those queers” barfed everywhere and were nowhere near Phi Delt material.

“In conclusion, our exhaustive efforts have determined that mommy’s boys who refuse to gun one during the bass drop of a fucking banger are highly susceptible to receiving a one-way ticket to paddletown with Big Mike.”

Op-Ed | I Am Part Of The Resistance Inside The Claus Administration

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The Lupica Factor is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous Op-Ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, a senior elf official in the Claus administration whose identity is known to us and whose life would be jeopardized by its disclosure. We believe publishing this essay anonymously is the only way to deliver an important perspective to our readers in the spirit of Christmas.


Santa Claus faces a challenge unlike any other mythical being in history.

It’s not just that the elf union grows stronger. Or that the toy factory is bitterly divided over Claus’s leadership. Or even that he might soon lose his corporation due to global warming.

The dilemma – which he does not fully grasp – is that many of the senior elves in his own administration are working around the clock to sabotage toy production and stage a coup d’état.

The root of the problem is his amorality. Any elf that works with Claus knows that his decision-making is no longer guided by Christmas joy or holiday spirit.

In his old age, Santa has grown bitter, resulting in a one-sided distribution of Naughty Or Nice delegations. This unprecedented amount of Naughty children has forced many elves to contract black lung working overtime in the Candy Cane Coalmines.

Moreover, the standard elf wage has been cut. Having always been paid at a standard 12 sugar cookies per hour, you can imagine our anguish with it being slashed to a mere 6 gumdrops. Many of us are left wondering how we will feed our families.

This despicable behavior towards his workers is compounded by his impropriety towards some of the female elves. I have heard rumors of Claus grabbing them by their sugar plums and whispering, “you better not pout, you better not cry, you better suck my candy cane or you’re gonna’ die.”

Mrs. Claus seems complicit in his actions; although some argue she is buying herself time to escape.

Due to this, some elves have made an attempt to assassinate Claus, but have failed miserably. To make an example of the dissenters, Claus has held three public executions in which all elves were forced to attend.

Because of these conditions, senior elf officials, such as myself, have been working in secret to overthrow Claus’s fascist regime.

Our plan for now is to capitalize on his gluttony and poison the jolly bastard with ricin-infused milk and cookies.

Will Christmas be ruined this season? Yes. But between now and next season, we will do away with stale tradition and replace Old Saint Nick with a multiethnic, pansexual Santa—something the North Pole yearns to see.