CDC Recommends Stocking Up On Pitchforks, Torches

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ATLANTA, GA—In response to rising paranoia prompted by the Coronavirus, the Center for Disease Control advised Monday that everyone should compile as many pitchforks and torches as possible.

“There’s been a lot of misinformation spread about COVID-19 and, while there is still much unknown, one basic step we can all take to reduce transmission is making sure to have a pitchfork and torch on hand in the event we find an accursed,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, encouraging all to get down to their local haberdashery while supplies last.

“Sure, it might be a little inconvenient to throw stones every time they come near town square, but small steps like boarding up your windows and being indoors by sundown are necessary to prevent contracting this highly contagious disease,” Redfield went on, adding that it doesn’t hurt to be proactive and organize an angry mob with local villagers outside the afflicted’s home.

“If you do happen to know someone who has flu-like symptoms, it would be wise to keep your distance by casting them out into the woods,” Redfield said, noting that small preventative measures like screaming “Witch! Witch!” anytime they attempt to reintegrate with society can help lower the risk of transmission ten fold.

Redfield reminded the most effective treatment for a fever and shortness of breath is being burned at the stake.

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Bloomberg Launches New Telepathic Ad Campaign To Air Perpetually In Human Consciousness

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UNITED STATES—In line with ramped up advertisements across print, TV, radio, billboard, and autoplaying digital ads, presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg launched a series of new ads that will reportedly take place deep in the psyche of every waking United States citizen.

“By using the latest in brain-to-brain interfacing technology, we have developed a way to reach voters directly in their occipital lobe,” said campaign strategist Frederic Sims, noting that Americans will begin visualizing brief, 5-second “Mike Will Get It Done” advertisements at the beginning and end of each individual thought their mind conceives.

“Whether it’s something as menial as remembering to turn the stove off or articulating your final words to a loved one on their death bed, every last American will know that Mike has what it takes each time a neuron fires.”

Added Sims: “Americans will also experience longer, 30-second ads while asleep in between REM cycles.”

At press time, thousands of Americans admitted they had unwillingly climaxed to the image of Bloomberg shaking hands with an industrial worker.

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Search And Rescue Team Deployed To Save Woman Lost In Madewell

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ORANGE COUNTY, CA—A search and rescue team was dispatched today in an effort to find Claire Sims, 26, who was last seen entering women’s chic fashion retailer Madewell late Saturday afternoon.

“Today marks day three of task force Oracle’s search for Claire Sims inside the Madewell Mission Viejo mall location,” Operations Section Chief Nathan Roseblatt told reporters, noting they have enlisted the service of scent-tracking dogs, UAV radar, and helicopters to scout the perimeter.

Heat signatures indicate Sims was last spotted in the accessory section between the tote bags and fringe bandanas eyeing what appeared to be a rustic, wooden sign engraved with the quote “Love With Your Whole Heart.”

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Since then, family members claimed they have tried to reach her cellphone, but have yet to receive a call back, or even a single “almost done” text message.

“She went in to return something and—the next thing I know—she vanished,” husband Frederic Sims said. “Honey, if you see this, please come home. We miss you.”

“It’s not uncommon to see shoppers go missing this time of year. With bookish Ivy League blazers and ditsy floral dresses, the Resort 2020 Collection marks the most eye-catching season on record,” Roseblatt went on. “At this time, we believe it necessary to prepare her family for the worst. In an ecosystem home to top-quality denim, effortless tees, keep-forever bags, hauté jewelry, and compliment-worthy ankle boots, it is likely they may never see their daughter again.”

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Authorities are cautioning those who plan on venturing to a Madewell location to alert someone where you’ll be, always carry a directory, and exit before lights go out.

Update: After finding Sims with her arm wedged between a velveteen jumper and ruffle-neck pullover sweater, emergency personnel determined they would need to amputate.

Man Embarks On Epic Quest To Find Which Tab Sound Coming From

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THE INTERNET—Proclaiming that he could no longer sit back and idly let his people’s suffering go uncontested, local man Frederic Sims, 24, stood atop his dining room table Thursday and declared that he was to embark on the journey of all journeys: a larger-than-life quest to find which tab in his web browser the sound was coming from and lay to rest its wretched advertisement.

“For one too many minutes this Land Rover commercial has lurked in the shadows, breaching the peace our family desktop once held dear. And today I say neigh!” Sims declared, mapping out his plans to start with the Star Wars wookiepedia page, then carefully tread his way through the dangerous, virus-riddled streaming site 123Movies, and—if time allows—stop for rest at his Yahoo! inbox.

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“My fellow kin, heed my words: I shall silence the evil that beckons at us with its claim of a 2-year warranty and 1.9% APR pricing and bring about a new age to this long-forsaken web browser. Google Chrome will know peace and I, as its champion, will cut down any pop-up that stands in my way.”

Added Sims: “Time is of the essence, lest I fall prey to the hypnotizing allure of r/TIFU.”

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Later, after confronting the ad in the footer of a BuzzFeed listicle and lashing out at the ‘X’ with his mouse, a nastier beast emerged in a new tab, hissing at Sims “Congratulations! You’ve won a free iPhone 5.”

Breaking: The Lupica Factor Has Found Hot, Horny Singles Near You

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NEAR YOU, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?—Urging you to stop scrolling and read the following text, a late-breaking report confirmed Friday that The Lupica Factor has found hot, horny singles in your direct vicinity and the only way to contact them is through the discreet new dating service LupicaFriendFinder.

“We’ve found several local girls in your zip code who are lonely and desperately looking for attention,” the site said, adding that user Jane69 is 5.7 miles away and Latin_Beauty_xx is only 2.4 miles away.

“Hey handsome… What are you up to(; … I’m so bored,” said a message from Hot_Carmen, 24, noting that she’s with a friend and her boyfriend won’t be home until tomorrow.

“Sign up for free now and cam chat with any of our 98,211,967 members,” the #1 adult dating site went on, emphasizing that 86,097 are online NOW and ready to satiate your deepest desires.

Added Hot_Carmen: “Hurry and enter your email address in the sidebar so we can meet up. I’m waiting…”

After creating an account, sources claim the site had asked for your home address, credit card, and social security number to continue.

Millennials Issue Response To Draft: “Sorry, We’re Busy That Day”

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UNITED STATES—As tensions in the Middle East rise and government officials begin preparing for a worst-case scenario, millennials in the United States have issued a formal response to the possibility of a draft: “sorry, we’re busy that day.”

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“We’d honestly love to, but we, like, kind of already have this thing. Thanks for hitting us up though,” millennial spokesperson Frederic Sims said, offering no specifics whatsoever, but clarifying they’d like to “grab drinks” with recruiting officers sometime.

Government officials have since called the response “flakey” and, in more critical instances, “straight up shady.”

“Just as the Greatest Generation rose to the occasion in World War II, we expect the same from today’s youth. However, it appears we underestimated millennial’s ability to bail at the last minute and make us wonder if we’re even friends anymore,” Roseville military recruiter Eli Watts said, venting frustration with one 23-year-old in particular who didn’t respond to his text, yet hours later posted an acai bowl to his Snapchat story.

Added Watts: “It just really hurts my feelings.”

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Later, government officials had solidified a deployment date for “maybe Thursday?”

Little Tikes Unveils New Plus Size Cozy Roadster

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AMERICA—Touting the product as a must have for kids all over the country, Little Tikes unveiled a new toy car Thursday equipped with seatbelt extenders along with many other plus sized amenities.

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“Just in time for Christmas, it is my pleasure to announce the Cozy Roadster Type 2, redesigned with double the interior space as our previous model and 3 additional feet of seatbelt to strap your child in,” Little Tikes spokesman Frederic Sims said, highlighting the new hydraulic suspension system that supports up to 450 pounds.

“The new motorized engine will not only help haul your quarter ton 3-year-old up a slight incline, but also keep them involved in games of tag without the fear of being rushed to the E.R. for a triple bypass,” Sims went on, pointing out the addition of fun, educational voice prompts like “breathe between bites” and “the wrapper isn’t a napkin.”

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The product was reportedly recalled after more than a dozen children went into cardiac arrest while attempting to turn the wheel.

Amazon Now Selling Kidneys To Compete With Black Market

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SEATTLE,WA—In an effort to put its flag in yet another thriving industry, Amazon announced Tuesday it would start selling kidneys among other illegal goods and services to compete with the black market.

“For just $150,000, Amazon Black™ customers can purchase a kidney extracted from our surplus of involuntary donors,” Amazon spokesman Frederic Sims said, adding that for a limited-time customers can buy one and get one free.

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“Simply select ‘Black’ from the dropdown menu and start browsing our catalog of the finest Colombian imported angel dust and white, hot crunch on the deep web,” Sims went on, noting that Amazon Prime members can be chicken-flipping in just a few hours with same-day delivery.

“Whether you’re searching for crude oil, a forged passport, or the exotic Amur Leopard—exclusive only to the Heilong region of northeast China—we have you covered. Customers can also modify delivery options with an alternate meeting point on the sixth floor of a deserted Nordstrom parking garage.”

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Among the changes Amazon Black brings, Prime Video subscribers will now be able to tune in and watch any webcam in the world. In addition, Alexa products will be relocated to Black’s new ‘Spyware’ section.

Following its opening day, Wall Street sources reported Black Market shares had plummeted.

SeaWorld Places Plastic Bags In Containment Tanks To Simulate Dolphins’ Natural Habitat

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SAN DIEGO, CA—In response to criticism over the quality of life their sea animals experience in captivity, SeaWorld claimed it would begin depositing plastic bags in containment tanks to simulate the marine life’s natural habitat.

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“We want all dolphins, whales, and sea turtles to feel at home. To ensure this, we are taking steps to mirror their experience in the ocean by scattering plastic bags, bottles, and utensils in containment tanks several times per day,” SeaWorld spokesperson Frederic Sims said, adding that they have encouraged staff to take a piss or drop a half-finished Yoplait cup in the otter exhibit while on break.

“Furthermore, we’ve allied with companies like ExxonMobil and Shell to dump toxic waste so our stingrays can feel like they’re right off the coast of Somalia again,” Sims went on, noting that parkgoers can aide the cause at the Explorer’s Reef where they can strangle their very own sea turtle with a six-pack soda ring.

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Added Sims: “To cement our dedication to this issue, we have replaced all of our trash cans with fish tanks.”

Later, Sims announced they had finished creating an ocean-like environment by setting the tanks to slowly overflow.

Jeff Bezos Reprimands Daughter For Spending Too Little

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Bezos explains to daughter what kind of people shop at Ross

MEDINA, WASHINGTON—In an attempt to figure out the meaning behind her responsible spending habits, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly chastised his daughter Monday for not spending an exorbitant amount of money.

“$45 at Nordstrom? $11 at Chipotle? Let’s get one thing straight. When your personal driver drops you at the mall, I expect you to be reckless and impulsive with my endless stream of cash,” Bezos said, harshly reminding his daughter of her $50,000 weekly allowance.

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“Money doesn’t grow on trees, okay? It sits in my bank account and multiplies exponentially,” Bezos went on, growing increasingly frustrated after learning his daughter purchased a pair of Converse on sale to “save money.”

“15% off? Jesus Christ. I don’t sit around all day and passively accumulate an unfathomable stockpile of capital so you can be the poster child for the Salvation Army. Show some respect and buy a fleet of yachts like the goddamn unhinged billionaire I raised you to be,” Bezos said, adding that it wouldn’t hurt if every once in a while she tried purchasing the rights to the Star Wars franchise or putting Somalia on her debit card.

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Bezos reportedly grounded his daughter by sending her to her private island off the coast of Belize where she will think long and hard about properly abusing her privilege.