Crystal Geyser Leaks Blueprints For Next-Generation Water Bottle

crystalgeyserblueprint
Crystal Geyser’s leaked blueprints hint at new groundbreaking water encapsulation technology

CALISTOGA, CA—In what appears to be a major database breach, leaked blueprints for the next flagship water bottle detail Crystal Geyser’s ambitious plan to create a device with 17.0 fluid ounces of storage space.

The unprecedented reveal sent shockwaves through an industry that has been dominated by the 16.9 fluid ounce model since its debut in 1973 as the world’s first handheld bottle.

Claire Selinsky, a Safeway insider, elaborated on the leaked schematics, saying, “Geyser’s latest hardware design is beyond comprehension. If the extra half-centimeter of width and millimeter of height can withstand the strain of 0.1 fluid ounces, Geyser will stand at the pinnacle of bottle engineering. We are truly living in the future.”

crystalgeysersizes

Rivals Arrowhead and Dasani both called Geyser’s aim to create an easy to carry bottle with greatly enhanced storage space “commendable, but destined to fail.” Other detractors, including a theoretical physicist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, said it is “highly unlikely” for a thin layer of biodegradable plastic to handle that much alpine spring water. “It’s a fool’s errand,” he added.

Related: ‘Tasty’ To Expand To Homemade, Instructional Surgery Videos By 2020

In addition to the landmark capacity improvement, the bottle will come with a few minor upgrades as well. For example, the new cap boasts the latest in Touch I.D., a fingerprint identity sensor that makes it easy to access your water. Other rumors predict it will have voice activation, a Find My Bottle feature, Bluetooth capabilities, and will come in Space Grey or Rose Gold.

Graphic designer Frederic Sims has created stunning new C.G.I. renders of the upcoming Geyser bottle. As it often does, YouTube channel BottleConceptz compiled several of Sims renders into a video that showcases the design from all angles:

When the product hits shelves just before Christmas, sources project long lines out of Safeway with customers desperate to get their hands on the hottest bottle on the market.

Related: LEGO Unveils New Gentrified San Francisco Neighborhood Rebuild Set

Advertisements

Warriors Now Selling Authentic, Blood-Stained Draymond Green Jerseys

draymondjersey
blood transparent picture blood pic png bloody hand png blood transparent splatter png

Popular New Fan Theory Suggests Potential For World War 2 Sequel

redwing_mohawk_002

EARTH—Saying it’s just a matter of time, a fan theory has emerged online detailing potential for a sequel to the critically acclaimed World War II.

“They left plenty of Easter eggs hinting at it and there are so many questions left unanswered: What happened to the Allied Powers? Will Japan get revenge? Is Hitler still alive?” history buff Frederic Sims wrote in an online forum, emphasizing that World War II ended on a major cliffhanger and fans are dying to see how the series culminates in a climactic finale.

Related: LEGO Unveils New Gentrified San Francisco Neighborhood Rebuild Set

“Even though it dragged on at the end, World War II had the best character development. Hideki Tojo was such a likable antihero and I could see his ideals playing a major role in New Japan—or whatever they decide to call it,” Sims went on, pointing out that the third installment is inevitable given how much it would gross both domestic and abroad.

Adding that there are plenty of avenues the narrative could take, Sims highlighted conflict in the South China Sea, rising tensions in Iran, Syria, and North Korea, and the nuclear arms race to be the most plausible inciting incidents. “Personally, I believe the latter is the most likely. We only got a glimpse of their potential in II at the end of act three,” Sims wrote.

“Germany did a killer job producing the first two, but I think either Russia or the U.S. will take the reins this time,” Sims speculated, acknowledging that while the countries have been involved with other projects since then, neither the Cold War nor the Vietnam War count as true sequels.

Sims ended on an optimistic note, stating, “It’s been 74 years in the making so this will certainly be the greatest war in the trilogy.”

Related: Mexico Prepares For Caravan Of Illegal Immigrants Approaching Border

Chipotle To Give More Authentic Mexican Experience By Placing Customers In Cages

lunch_at_chipotle

NEWPORT BEACH, CA—Saying it will give customers a truly authentic Mexican experience, Chipotle announced Monday it will begin forcibly placing customers in cages when eating at any of their 2,000 locations.

“Choose from our selection of mouth-watering meats, compliment it with an ice-cold beverage, and say what might be the final goodbye to your loved ones,” Chipotle spokesperson Frederic Sims raved, adding that customers will then be pepper sprayed, placed in a full nelson, and dragged to an authentic, muy frío holding cell by a Chipotle team member.

“Take in the aroma of true to source pigeon feces and party Chipotle-style when you experience genuine Mexican atmosphere complete with quality chain-linked fences impeccably topped with a dash of razor wire,” Sims said. “Absorb distinctive Central American ambiance while falling asleep on locally sourced gravel and then shiver through the night under one of our thinly sliced mylar blankets free with the purchase of any entrée.”

Related: Mexico Prepares For Caravan Of Illegal Immigrants Approaching Border

Sims also told reporters that when ordering a Kid’s Meal, only children under the age of 12 are eligible to be separated and transferred to a longer-term Chipotle holding center for an unparalleled Adelanto I.C.E. experience of being reunited with the wrong family.

“Use the app to score points and earn rewards every time you attempt an escape or beg for water,” Sims said. “Then cash in those points for some dope Chipotle swag like a catering event where we’ll show up and tear gas the whole party.”

In closing, Sims explained that customers taking their orders to-go will be chased out at full-speed by a screaming Chipotle employee firing warning shots.

Hurry and find a Chipotle near you!

Related: Sinaloa Cartel Frantically Prepares For Spring Break Abductions

ISIS, American Soldiers Reach Ceasefire In Anticipation Of New Tame Impala Album

aeroplane-aircraft-airplane-54098

SYRIA—The longstanding skirmish between ISIS and American soldiers has come to a halt this week following the release of two new singles by Tame Impala.

U.S. Intelligence officials report ISIS has abandoned the battlefield and satellite drones have since picked up the hi-fi, unmistakable frequency of “Patience” and “Borderline” blaring from inside an ISIS bunker at exceedingly large decibels.

Related: Coachella To Install Molly Water Refill Stations For Weekend Two

Sources overseas state this unexpected turn of events has forced the U.S. to withdraw troops temporarily in order to get down with Impala’s psychedelic new beats after years of looping InnerSpeaker and Lonerism nonstop.

Abbaad al-Waheed—an undercover U.S. operative who infiltrated the bunker—confirmed the extremists have abandoned plans to carry out attacks in the near future due to being completely mesmerized with “Borderline’s” cosmic synthwaves.

“Based on these singles, we have gauged the new album to be absolutely lit and possibly even straight fire,” said Pentagon official Frederic Sims, adding that while the record will likely be an entrancing mid-tempo chugger of 70’s disco and 90’s house packed with sublime piano jabs and catatonic vocals, there is potential for a few bangers as well.

In addition, the United Nations announced it would assist in establishing lasting peace by hosting a listening party when the full album drops, however, ISIS has yet to respond to the Facebook invite.

In other news, an unidentified flying object was spotted over the Baltic Sea this morning playing what locals identified as “Mind Mischief.”

Related: Mexico Prepares For Caravan Of Illegal Immigrants Approaching Border

Coachella To Install Molly Water Refill Stations For Weekend Two

concert-crowd-dancing-1540338
Attendees who purchased a $5 bottle of molly water. Available at select event booths.

INDIO, CA—Stressing the importance of resupplying several times per day, Coachella announced Tuesday it will be installing molly water refill stations to ensure festivalgoers maintain a consistent high throughout the weekend.

“To better supply guests with the deepest love imaginable, we are pleased to announce the addition of six molly water refill stations just in time for weekend two,” Safety Programs Coordinator Frederic Sims said.

The move comes after a flurry of complaints from attendees who claim the lines to refill their ecstasy-infused beverages have grown too long, leading to absurd wait times and increased reports of guests suffering from the effects of sobriety.

Related: ‘Tasty’ To Expand To Homemade, Instructional Surgery Videos By 2020

Sims went on to state that after weekend one, medical tents on-site counted only a meager 124 overdoses. “Frankly, this is frighteningly low and pales in comparison to recent years. Since then event organizers have taken measures to ensure attendees remain trippin’ balls in a constant state of euphoric bliss.”

“Especially in the blistering heat of Coachella Valley, it is imperative that guests resupply a minimum of 5 times per day or run the risk of losing a brain-melting high and—in the worst case—permanent vibe damage,” Sims said.

Claire Selinsky, a doctor on-duty near the Sahara tent, asked that attendees please be responsible and abuse the recommended 64 fluid ounces of molly water per day. “Failure to do so may result in a completely bogus time watching your friends bask in the brilliant rays of sheer exuberance without you. We cannot stress this enough,” she said.

When asked how psychedelics have been linked to seizures and cardiovascular disease, Selinsky insisted on the more severe risk of seeing Tame Impala stone cold sober.

In an emergency, Selinsky advised those with severe sobriety to drink molly water immediately and then proceed to wait.. wait until you’re there.. right there.. just where you want to be.. just where you always wanted to be.. but didn’t know until just now..

Related: Kylie Jenner Rises From Destitute Millionaire Family To Become Billionaire

Old Friends Gather Once Yearly To Catch Up, Exaggerate

alcoholic-beverage-bar-beer-1269025
Old friends rejoicing before presenting hyperbolic life updates

COLLINSBURG, PA—Saying how awesome it was to see everyone again, an old group of high school friends reportedly met for drinks Thursday to exaggerate how well each of their lives were progressing.

“Not to brag, but I just had an interview with one of the top accounting firms in the country,” said Frederic Sims, who conveniently left out the duties of the position in which he would be walking door-to-door, handing out flyers.

“No way! I hope you get it,” Claire Selinsky said with deep-seated jealousy for her friend’s good fortune, going on to describe how quitting her job to focus full-time on her textile business was going exactly as planned while carefully omitting that it has driven her to the brink of living out of her 2013 Toyota Yaris.

Related: 3 Girl Scouts Handcuffed In Ongoing Brownies, Daisies Gang Violence

Meanwhile, Derek—who sources claim has it all figured out—discussed how “dope” it was to finally be living on his own in what he referred to as a “steal”, choosing not to mention he’s paying $2300 per month to live in a Los Angeles apartment the equivalent of a large cupboard with eleven other roommates and no bathroom.

The get-together reportedly reached a climax when the group unanimously surmised the only reason Rachel—who couldn’t make it—lives in a fancy New York high-rise with a stable job and loving husband has something to do with genetics.

Later, Mia—who was just awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for ending world hunger—said everything was going “fine.”

Related: Hungover Woman Regrets Embarrassing Resolutions She Made Last Night