Incredibly Polite Riot Breaks Out In Toronto Following Raptors Win

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TORONTO—Following the Toronto Raptors 2019 NBA Championship victory, fans took to the streets in what experts are calling the most polite riot in history.

Police scanners described as many as 200 rioters using their manners, picking up loose trash, helping cars back out, and climbing light posts to fix dimming bulbs.

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“No, after you!” a viciously courteous man demanded as he and a bystander fought to hold the door open for one another into the subway, which was already experiencing major delays after the whole train refused to sit down amid harassing an elderly woman to take their seat.

Traffic reportedly came to a halt when two pedestrians engaged in small talk in the middle of a crosswalk, where sources confirm the acquaintances shot the breeze for nearly 3 hours in a surface level discussion about the weather. Stranded drivers just about reached their breaking point when a woman in a 2013 Toyota Prius C considered honking her horn.

More extreme pleasantries were exchanged when graffiti artists took advantage of the friendly chaos by tagging wholesome messages across the city, such as, “have a nice day” and “your mom is a nice lady!”

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Later, a “brash, ill-mannered” man was arrested on the spot after bumping into a police officer and neglecting to say sorry.

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U.S. Now Requiring Instagram Verified Badge To Apply For Citizenship

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Cracking down on application requirements for U.S. citizenship, the State Department announced Saturday that it will begin requiring all applicants to have a blue checkmark on their Instagram profile to indicate they are verified public figures.

“Not only will applicants be required to have an active account, but profiles will also be inspected to prove they are of sufficient social status,” State Department spokesperson Frederic Sims said, noting that accounts will instantly be disqualified if a profile does not clearly state: lifestyle blogger, fitness expert, or entrepreneurial guru.

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Criteria for ideal candidate profiles will contain a link in their bio, a 15% discount deal with an obscure, eco-friendly clothing company, and, most importantly, a feigned sense of self-importance.

“This measure is simply to confirm the identity of individuals entering the United States and to safeguard current Americans from faceless zeros,” Sims added.

Sims explained that current U.S. citizens caught without a badge could be placed in a social media internment camp where they will be re-educated in deriving self-worth from arbitrary numbers. “In extreme cases, these individuals will be forced to relearn whether ‘all that glitters isn’t gold’ or ‘a smooth sea never make a skilled sailor’ would constitute a better caption for #motivationmonday, and, in certain instances, judging if Clarendon, Gingham, or Lo-Fi would best compliment a selfie at golden hour.”

Related: Mexico Prepares For Caravan Of Illegal Immigrants Approaching Border

In closing, Sims clarified that users discovered to be using hashtags will be deemed enemies of the state and immediately deported.

Bystanders Roll Eyes At Smug Tesla Driver Engulfed In Flames

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“Dude, we get it. You drive a Tesla. Nobody cares,” bystanders comment on alit man desperate for attention

SILICON VALLEY—Watching the high-end vehicle explode and the driver escape engulfed in flames, two bystanders reported the smug prick was doing nothing if not trying to show off his Tesla.

“Look at him parade around like he’s better than us,” bystander Frederic Sims said, rolling his eyes at the “total douchebag” show off his vehicle’s exclusive auto-detonation feature by marching around the parking lot enveloped in a conflagration abruptly halting traffic. “Who does he think he is?” Sims added.

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Witnesses on the scene confirmed the insufferable braggart also tried to strike up random conversations with strangers about his top-of-the-line, renewable energy, custom-painted, currently on fire vehicle.

“Call 911!” the self-aggrandizing, pretentious asshole flirted to a young woman minding her own business.

Soon after the flames died out and the pompous elite finally shut the hell up, paramedics on the scene declared the man “totally full of himself.”

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Sources report family members have reluctantly planned an open casket funeral for the stuck-up, holier than thou egotist, stating, “More people looking at him. Great. Just what he needs.”

Later, a second Tesla owner was reported to be even more snobbish when his auto-piloting vehicle drove straight into a Togo’s.

Bran Orders Executive Decree To Build Wheelchair Accessible Ramps In All Seven Kingdoms

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Bran staring intently at the last staircase in Westeros

WESTEROS—Exercising the power of the Iron Throne, recently crowned King Bran Stark issued an executive decree Monday to install wheelchair accessible ramps in all Seven Kingdoms.

“In effect immediately, my first act as ruler and Protector of the Realm shall be to provide handicapped accommodations for every Westerosian suffering from Rheumatoid Arthritis and uncommon, severe cases of Multiple Sclerosis!” Stark echoed from his balcony to a sea of cheering citizens afflicted with lower back pain.

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The new decree—Title 19, Section 51322(g)—will reportedly require all government buildings and commercial property owners to have ramps constructed with 4 inch thick Ironwood platforms and Valyrian steel handrails. Certain public transportation services, such as Golden Company Elephants and King’s Landing Dragons, will also be required to have Vertical Wheelchair Lifts (VWL) and bi-fold ramps to ensure handicapped humans, White Walkers, and Children of the Forest can comfortably board their mythical being.

“Today is a victory for any disabled Westerosian who’s ever been prevented from making a deposit at the Iron Bank of Braavos or attending a knighting ceremony on the second floor,” the King of the Andals and the First Men bellowed. “Let us bid farewell to our greatest enemy. May every step perish in the Seven Hells.”

Later, after a servant transferred the mighty ruler from wheelchair to throne, King Stark reportedly began drafting a second decree to escalate punishment for citizens found guilty of riding under the influence.

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The Lupica Factor’s Summer Must See TV Watchlist

The Lupica Factor takes a dive into new shows premiering on cable and streaming services this summer. Keep reading to get the full-scoop and find out what not to miss!

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The Bachelorette | ABC

The Bachelorette (ABC): Bachelorette Hannah Brown is looking for love in the 15th season of this terrifying, psychological thriller that centers on a woman trapped against her will in a house with 30 sexually frustrated men.

The Handmaid’s Tale (Hulu): Hulu’s celebrated adaptation of Margaret Atwood’s dystopian novel comes back for a third season, where we might finally see the women of Gilead quit their bitching and be grateful for what they have.

Catch-22 (Hulu): The long-awaited sequel to Catch-21 has come.

Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (Netflix): The elite Marvel crime-fighting squad begins season 2 with brand-new hero Candace, gifted by ancient Egyptian gods with the power of contagious laughter that infects her victims with a positive attitude.

Stranger Things (Netflix): The gang is back this summer and so is the upside-down. Many burning questions remain unanswered: Is there a new Demogorgon? Is it in the Starcourt mall? Does that make it a service animal?

Swamp Thing (DC Universe): A young woman returns to her hometown in Louisiana to look into the cause of what seems to be a deadly virus infecting the swamps… until realizing the real virus was inside her all along.

Lucifer (Netflix): Originally airing on FOX, Lucifer is a dark nail-biter about an agent from hell adjusting to life in Los Angeles and philosophizing over the singular question plaguing human existence: Is Google Maps better than Waze?

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NOS4A2 (AMC): Pronounced “Nosferatu”, this supernatural thriller follows the blood-sucking vampire and lord of the night in the throes of puberty navigating drug use, sex, and identity.

What’s My Name: Muhammad Ali (HBO): A two-part documentary about the legendary boxer and the excessive head damage he suffered to make him forget his name.

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Big Little Lies | HBO

Big Little Lies (HBO): Meryl Streep joins the cast this season as a piece of beached driftwood in what critics are calling her most convincing role yet.

The Hot Zone (Nat Geo): A six-part dramatization of the first Ebola outbreak starring method actor Liam Cunningham who contracted the disease in preparation for his role.

Songland (NBC): A new reality series where emerging songwriters get the chance to write and produce music with chart-topping artists like The Doodlebops and The Cattanooga Cats.

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The Inbetween (NBC): Much like Medium, this supernatural drama follows a woman with the ability to communicate with the dead who somehow always happen to be busy.

What/If (Netflix): What would you risk to have it all? The series hinges on a single question and will hopefully be multiple choice.

Perpetual Grace: A pastor is preyed upon by a mischievous young man who doesn’t realize the pastor has a dark side of his own. Premiering June 2nd on 60 Minutes.

The Loudest Voice (Showtime): Some of the industry’s biggest names star in this dramatic examination of former Fox News CEO Roger Ailes’ impact and legacy in the 1930’s San Francisco drag scene.

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Pennyworth | Epix

Pennyworth (Epix): A prequel to the Batman series, Pennyworth gives the backstory to Alfred Pennyworth’s failed jazz career and reluctant backup plan to be the butler of a superhero.

Fear The Walking Dead (AMC): This spinoff of The Walking Dead follows a group of putrid, abominable college students barred out at Trevor’s kickback.

The Gilded Age (HBO): This easy to watch series explores 1880s capitalist New York City. All viewers need is a complete and thorough knowledge of late eighteenth century geopolitical class division.

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Watchmen | HBO

Watchmen (HBO): Frequently confused with Alan Moore’s sci-fi comic book Watchmen, this series focuses on two minimum wage security guards in Ramona, California.

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Horses Stand In Solidarity With Uber Drivers To Demand Better Hay

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Chester, a member of Rideshare Horses United, leading Carthusians and Clydesdales in protest chants

COUNTRYSIDE—Joining Uber drivers in the strike for higher wages and improved benefits, horses in more than a dozen major pastures are reportedly demanding increased hay for their ride-sharing services.

In addition to removing their saddles, horses will hold rallies in strategic places, such as outside local barns in high-traffic countryside areas. In Texas and New Mexico, Shetlands and Mustangs are slated to cease transporting passengers for 24 hours. In Kentucky, Trixie—an onyx stallion who heads Horses United—has planned a two-hour strike from 6am to 8am during busy cattle herding hours.

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Unlike dogs who work as full-time service animals, horses often work as independent contractors on a per-trail basis, foregoing many of the liberties that come with traditional employment in favor of a more flexible schedule. As workers in the gig-economy, trusty steeds believe going on strike is the only way to make their neighs heard.

Participating horses intend to send a message to their owners: they want a livable hay-rate, bigger stables, dental insurance, a 10% commission cap on miles galloped, and a retirement plan outside of being put down, according to a horse bill of rights circulating on Twitter.

Sources project this to be the largest animal-led protest since the historic march of the penguins in 2005.

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Crystal Geyser Leaks Blueprints For Next-Generation Water Bottle

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Crystal Geyser’s leaked blueprints hint at new groundbreaking water encapsulation technology

CALISTOGA, CA—In what appears to be a major database breach, leaked blueprints for the next flagship water bottle detail Crystal Geyser’s ambitious plan to create a device with 17.0 fluid ounces of storage space.

The unprecedented reveal sent shockwaves through an industry that has been dominated by the 16.9 fluid ounce model since its debut in 1973 as the world’s first handheld bottle.

Claire Selinsky, a Safeway insider, elaborated on the leaked schematics, saying, “Geyser’s latest hardware design is beyond comprehension. If the extra half-centimeter of width and millimeter of height can withstand the strain of 0.1 fluid ounces, Geyser will stand at the pinnacle of bottle engineering. We are truly living in the future.”

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Rivals Arrowhead and Dasani both called Geyser’s aim to create an easy to carry bottle with greatly enhanced storage space “commendable, but destined to fail.” Other detractors, including a theoretical physicist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, said it is “highly unlikely” for a thin layer of biodegradable plastic to handle that much alpine spring water. “It’s a fool’s errand,” he added.

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In addition to the landmark capacity improvement, the bottle will come with a few minor upgrades as well. For example, the new cap boasts the latest in Touch I.D., a fingerprint identity sensor that makes it easy to access your water. Other rumors predict it will have voice activation, a Find My Bottle feature, Bluetooth capabilities, and will come in Space Grey or Rose Gold.

Graphic designer Frederic Sims has created stunning new C.G.I. renders of the upcoming Geyser bottle. As it often does, YouTube channel BottleConceptz compiled several of Sims renders into a video that showcases the design from all angles:

When the product hits shelves just before Christmas, sources project long lines out of Safeway with customers desperate to get their hands on the hottest bottle on the market.

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