Coachella To Install Molly Water Refill Stations For Weekend Two

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Attendees who purchased a $5 bottle of molly water. Available at select event booths.

INDIO, CA—Stressing the importance of resupplying several times per day, Coachella announced Tuesday it will be installing molly water refill stations to ensure festivalgoers maintain a consistent high throughout the weekend.

“To better supply guests with the deepest love imaginable, we are pleased to announce the addition of six molly water refill stations just in time for weekend two,” Safety Programs Coordinator Frederic Sims said.

The move comes after a flurry of complaints from attendees who claim the lines to refill their ecstasy-infused beverages have grown too long, leading to absurd wait times and increased reports of guests suffering from the effects of sobriety.

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Sims went on to state that after weekend one, medical tents on-site counted only a meager 124 overdoses. “Frankly, this is frighteningly low and pales in comparison to recent years. Since then event organizers have taken measures to ensure attendees remain trippin’ balls in a constant state of euphoric bliss.”

“Especially in the blistering heat of Coachella Valley, it is imperative that guests resupply on molly water a minimum of 5 times per day or run the risk of losing a brain-melting high and—in the worst case—permanent vibe damage,” Sims said.

Claire Selinsky, a doctor on-duty near the Sahara tent, asked that attendees please be responsible and abuse the recommended 64 fluid ounces of molly water per day. “Failure to do so may result in a completely bogus time watching your friends bask in the brilliant rays of sheer exuberance without you. We cannot stress this enough,” she said.

When asked how psychedelics have been linked to seizures and cardiovascular disease, Selinsky insisted on the more severe risk of seeing Tame Impala stone cold sober.

In an emergency, Selinsky advised those with severe sobriety to drink molly water immediately and then proceed to wait.. wait until you’re there.. right there.. just where you want to be.. just where you always wanted to be.. but didn’t know until just now..

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Old Friends Gather Once Yearly To Catch Up, Exaggerate

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Old friends rejoicing before presenting hyperbolic life updates

COLLINSBURG, PA—Saying how awesome it was to see everyone again, an old group of high school friends reportedly met for drinks Thursday to exaggerate how well each of their lives were progressing.

“Not to brag, but I just had an interview with one of the top accounting firms in the country,” said Frederic Sims, who conveniently left out the duties of the position in which he would be walking door-to-door, handing out flyers.

“No way! I hope you get it,” Claire Selinsky said with deep-seated jealousy for her friend’s good fortune, going on to describe how quitting her job to focus full-time on her textile business was going exactly as planned while carefully omitting that it has driven her to the brink of living out of her 2013 Toyota Yaris.

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Meanwhile, Derek—who sources claim has it all figured out—discussed how “dope” it was to finally be living on his own in what he referred to as a “steal”, choosing not to mention he’s paying $2300 per month to live in a Los Angeles apartment the equivalent of a large cupboard with eleven other roommates and no bathroom.

The get-together reportedly reached a climax when the group unanimously surmised the only reason Rachel—who couldn’t make it—lives in a fancy New York high-rise with a stable job and loving husband has something to do with genetics.

Later, Mia—who was just awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for ending world hunger—said everything was going “fine.”

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LEGO Unveils New Gentrified San Francisco Neighborhood Rebuild Set

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Invisible hand of the market escorting low-income LEGO character out of what used to be his home

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Touting not only the hours of endless fun but also the psychological benefits children can glean, LEGO unveiled Monday a new gentrified San Francisco neighborhood rebuild set.

“Inspire imagination in your kids as they take on the role of a merciless real estate tycoon,” spokesman Frederic Sims said, noting that children ages 6-8 will have a blast learning firsthand the systematic oppression of the lower class by removing aging pieces in LEGO housing projects and installing refurbished blocks in the new Tenderloin Sky View Lodge LEGO Apartments.

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“Fine-tune motor skills by renovating dated fixtures with luxurious LEGO marble countertops and bamboo flooring,” Sims went on. “Then finish it off with stainless steel LEGO kitchen appliances to drastically raise property value, skyrocket rent prices, and kick low-income LEGO characters to the curb.”

Sims added the new set would teach causal reasoning as kids build a LEGO Trader Joes next door to a locally owned Gus’s market and in doing so absorb their clientele, forcing them to sell you what remains of their pathetic family venture.

“As your empire grows to the Mission, watch their problem-solving ability flourish by authorizing police LEGOS to toss LEGO tear gas canisters and dissolve the residents futile rent control protest,” Sims raved. “Then as their vision comes back, let them observe as you decimate their childhood homes with the new LEGO wrecking ball crane.”

“Instill leadership skills when your kids blackmail government officials at LEGO city hall to expedite building contract approvals,” Sims said. “Pull the strings on your political puppets and taste true supremacy, all while stimulating creativity in your young ones’ developing brains.”

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“Complete the experience with LEGO tents and garbage can fires where former tenants can longingly gaze in unaware that your LEGO character is getting off on their suffering, making the affair your having with your LEGO assistant even hotter. Your LEGO wife will be home in ten minutes, but you don’t give a shit. This is power. Whatever you want, you take. Nobody can even fuck with your LEGO empire.” Sims said, slamming his fist on the podium.

Sims concluded his presentation by imploring children to grind former tenants homes and dreams into dirt, use it as the foundation for their LEGO real estate conglomerate, and to keep small pieces out of the reach of toddlers.

Sims also teased junior LEGO estate moguls with a new up-and-coming South Carolina coastal suburb build set coming this summer.

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Little League Coach Gives Game Ball To Shittiest Player On Team, Son

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            James (left) and game ball (right)

MISSION VIEJO, CA—Huddling his team after a win, Tijeras Creek Little League coach Frederic Sims reportedly gave the coveted game ball to the shittiest player on the team, otherwise known as his son James.

“This player really shined tonight. Here you go, son,” Sims said as he tossed the ball to him, striking bewilderment and almost prompting laughter from the team.

“You showed a lot of heart out there,” Sims went on, meanwhile players racked their brains to find a single instance where James wasn’t parked on the bench, choking on sunflower seeds.

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“Surely, this must be some confidence builder, but I mean come on,” one player thought to himself, recalling James’s league mandated minimum of two at bats in which he struck out both times in three pitches and two innings where he was placed so deep in left field he might as well have been in line at the snack shack.

Later, James—known by teammates as “starting left bench”, “daddy’s girl”, “designated shitter”, “the perfect shame”, “Dike Trout”, “Forrest Slump”, “Good Will Bunting”, “A Season Of Unfortunate Events”, “12 Years A Benchwarmer”, “Stranger Thing”, “James Bondage”, “James and the Giant Queef”, “supercalifragilisticexpealidipshit”, “MVP: Most Vulnerable Pussy”, and “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Put-In-The-Game”—claimed even he was shocked to receive the game ball.

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Coach K Says Reason For Loss Was Lack Of Team Bonding Exercises

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Coach K at the Duke Blue Devil’s annual Thanksgiving potluck with the theatre department.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Explaining his team’s loss to Michigan State on Sunday, coach of the Duke Blue Devils, Mike Krzyzewski (Coach K), told reporters his storied legacy was exclusively the result of team bonding exercises.

“That’s an area we came up short this year,” he said. “Looking back, I should’ve wasted less time drilling my team on full-court press and the 3 man weave and instead focused on chemistry building activities like making vision boards and doing trust falls. That’s what wins championships.”

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When asked questions linking the team’s past success to acquisition of top tier high school talent, Coach K dismissed the notion as a small factor when compared to his exhaustive regimen of egg drops, scavenger hunts, and water balloon fights.

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Coach K and Associate Head Coach, Jon Scheyer, handing out water balloons to players.

Although a strict training schedule and two-a-day practices played a menial role, Krzyzewski clarified the reason for dominating their bracket in 2015 was a camping retreat that placed an emphasis on spooky campfire stories and making dream catchers as a unit.

Krzyzewski did shed light on star player Zion Williamson—a 6’7, 284 pound monster in the paint and threat from beyond the arc—who gained the support from teammates to maintain his 22.5 PPG and 68.4% field goal percentage during a mandatory Color Me Mine player bonding exercise.

Coach K also highlighted an example in the 2012 Summer Olympics where he blindfolded team captain LeBron James for a game of Marco Polo moments before winning the gold medal. “That’s not just a coincidence,” he said.

In addition, he stressed the importance of icebreakers before each practice, pointing out that ‘two truths and a lie’ in particular was vital to the squad’s late game comebacks.

Krzyzewski had to cut the interview short, however, when an assistant rushed on stage to tell him his players were holding hands in the locker room, waiting to play their ceremonial post-game round of Red Rover.

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Warner Bros. CEO Resigns After Being Found Guilty Of Sleeping With A 6

HOLLYWOOD—Scandal rocked Hollywood this week as a series of leaked text messages revealed Warner Bros. CEO Kevin Tsujihara had an intimate relationship with actress and well-known 6 Charlotte Kirk.

Tsujihara has reportedly stepped down amid an investigation into the improper relationship between himself and Kirk, who sources confirmed is a 6—maybe a 7 on a good day.

Since the scandal broke, Tsujihara has received harsh criticism. “Really? Her?” said one critic struggling to grapple with the fact that the CEO would ruin his personal life and career for someone who’s not ugly, but also not attractive either.

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Tsujihara—who analysts gauge is barely a 5 lookswise, but whose wealth and power bring him up to a respectable 8—has released a statement, apologizing: “I am deeply sorry for the embarrassment I have caused my wife and children by sneaking around with a total 6. While she was super down to earth, I deeply regret not abusing my power for at least a 7.”

Tsujihara’s wife, Sandy—a solid 7—expressed disappointment in her husband’s inexcusable behavior of lowering his standards for someone who seems nice but isn’t much to look at.

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On the other hand, Kirk has received support from 6’s across the country, declaring it a win for average looking people and calling it “a step in the right direction” towards an inclusive environment where everyone is given a fair shot at soliciting sex regardless of whether they are a barely fuckable 5 or a drop dead 10.

A wave of relief swept the industry when sources confirmed the relationship was, in fact, consensual.

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Sinaloa Cartel Frantically Prepares For Spring Break Abductions

CULIACÁN, MEXICO—Describing this as the craziest time of year, members of the Sinaloa Cartel said the criminal organization is racing to prepare for the massive rush of college students over spring break.

“For the rest of March, we’re going to get absolutely buried with clueless 18 to 22 year olds,” said cartel manager José Garcia, who was assigned with training new recruits on standard abduction procedures for drunken freshmen separated from their friends outside El Squid Roe.

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Early reports show the usual number of windowless vans is down 10% from last spring break, which Garcia believes will diminish the gang’s ability to abduct as many naive millenials as possible, ultimately decreasing their bottom line.

“I’m stressed out just thinking about it,” Garcia said. “There’s new ransom policies, intimidation scripts, police collusion procedures, and a mandatory fucking human resources presentation from corporate.”

Garcia also said that to create an inclusive environment fitting for young abductees, the gang has issued new gender-neutral body bags, which he fears will complicate sorting bodies down the line.

Despite the hectic scene at the Culiacán stronghold, Garcia made sure to alert his gang members to fill out their timesheets before the March pay query ends.

Later in the day, Garcia reportedly had a nervous breakdown when he found out a gang member who was supposed to work the night shift called in shot.

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