Tuscaloosa, AL – Claiming that the population needs to stop being such pussies and grow a pair, frat scientists at the University of Alabama concluded that shotgunning your beer is the most effective way to prevent the disease ‘Littlebitchitis.’
“After months of extensive research, we’ve discovered that gunning a can of Natural Light is a fantastic source of vitamin don’t be a little bitch, which is essential in preventing a major beatdown by Gator and Spoon,” said Phi Delta Theta Recruitment Officer and chemistry undergraduate Brett Ryan.
“Furthermore, taking one to the dome not only treats symptoms involved with being a total pansy, but also critically reduces instances where you lightweights wake up with a veiny dick sharpied on your forehead.”
In a case-control study of GDI’s who prefer to “enjoy their drink” were forced to “do it for the boys”, the report concluded that 100% of “those queers” barfed everywhere and were nowhere near Phi Delt material.
“In conclusion, our exhaustive efforts have determined that mommy’s boys who refuse to gun one during the bass drop of a fucking banger are highly susceptible to receiving a one-way ticket to paddletown with Big Mike.”