Jesus Offering ‘Birthday Salvation Sale’ For Three Easy Payments Of $19.95

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As His voice echoed across earth’s landscape, Jesus Christ reportedly offered the entire populace mail order salvation for one unbeatable holiday price.

“O come, all ye faithful,” the son of God said. “Yield your soul to I, Jesus Christ, your lord and savior, for only three easy payments of $19.95!”

“In the beginning, God said, ‘let there be light.’ And then He said, ‘let it be delivered to your doorstep with no extra charge for shipping and handling!’”

“A new command I give you: buy 1 blessing, get 1 free! Save yourself and a friend from an eternity of damnation with one killer deal! Every gift from God must go!”

“Don’t get caught waiting in long lines on judgment day! Capitalize on my birthday deal and never worry about deliverance from your misdeeds again!”

“But wait, there’s more!”

“As a bonus, I’ll throw in an instructional DVD with step-by-step directions to create your very own miracles! A $20 value FREE with your paid order!”

“I sacrificed myself for your sins and now I’m sacrificing this $250 value for only three monthly installments of $19.95!”

“I may not rise again, but these prices will!”

“I’m practically turning water into savings! What are you waiting for?! Dial (777) 777-7777!”

*Order now while supplies last. 

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